The Parenting Pod

As I look over at my wonderful 3.5 mo old, my heart aches for the baby who should be turning 1 right now. I miss the baby I never got to know, and barely got to hold. Everyone says I'm so lucky having the 2 babies, but I just want to scream sometimes that there was one in the middle. K wouldn't be here if Wilson had survived, and I'm still hurting! I know this feeling will eventually lessen, and I just need to vent and get some virtual hugs.

I just ache for you, reading this. As you say, you would never have known Krieger if it weren't for Wilson, but it doesn't make the pain of Wilson's loss any less valid. Wishing you peace.

It does get easier, but I think there will always be times when it will just hit you out of the blue.

Randa

One baby never replaces another. And although everyone is right, you ARE lucky to have your two wonderful children; you are also allowed to grieve the loss of Wilson. Those two things are NOT mutually exclusive.

Its a hard concept but I totally understand. I had a miscarriage too, in between my first and second, and I think thats partly why I feel so incomplete about our family sometimes. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know everyone deals with loss differently. For me, it got easier over time. I'm hoping it does for you as well.

Randa just wanted to offer you a I have lost two babies too. Not as late as you lost little Wilson though. I still often wonder what they would have been like if they were a boy or a girl and my heart still aches for my little angels. I agree with what Cathy said you are lucky to have two beatiful children but you also have a right to grieve for your angel baby he will always be in your heart. I hope that over time the pain will lesson although he will always be in your mind and heart.

I really don't know if it gets easier with time... I often stop wonder and play the what if game... for my sake I hope it gets easier! I don't cry as easily anymore but I have sit wonder for long periods of time, I get really upset and sad!
My daughter just turned 1yr in May and just last week I was thinking that I have a baby that should be turning 2 at the end of October... and that little baby always crosses my mine at holidays and special occasions!

I completely understand where you are coming from and I don't think a person should try and forget about a child that could have been.....

Not sure it gets any easier. I can't believe it's been over 2 years forme already & it still hurts just as much.

I'm sorry I'm just seeing this now Randa - there are quite a few of us in here that aren't TTCing, but still come to share and vent. I understand about your wanting to scream there was one in the middle!. I find that with my miscarriages. We have three angel babies that most people don't know about. Some know about 1 or 2 and will sometimes comment and I want to correct them and say there are three!!! I think it would be awkward to bring it up, but it just bugs me that they're missing one or two. Not sure if that makes sense.

Huge hugs my friend. I know you're still hurting.

Huge hugs Randa...you certainly have the right to grieve the loss of Wilson and Krieger is not a replacement but his own special little guy. Do you have any memorials of Wilson, a way to remember him? For me, time has really healed me but our circumstances were totally different.

We still have his ashes on our bookshelves. We meant to go spread his ashes on the side of the mountain we live near, but it just didn't happen last year. The hospital also gave us a little "plaque" with his tiny footprints and teddy bear. We actually have pictures of him too and I still have all of his u/s pics. I want to get a tattoo with all of the kids' footprints on my back, but I don't want to have to explain the little ones when they get older. My mom said to not mention Wilson since it may make Krieger feel like he wasn't wanted or that he's a replacement child. One of my coworkers told me that Wilson was reincarnated in Krieger since K was conceived the weekend Wilson was due. (Now I'm not sure I believe in reincarnation, but it more or less eases my mind.)