The Parenting Pod

I'm going to lose my mind! I'm home on maternity leave, so I see what he does all day....nothing but tv, computer, naps. He's making me bonkers. The man NEEDS A JOB.

Congratulations on the arrival of baby Chloe! I'm sad that you're not able to enjoy your maternity leave more, and that your DH isn't picking up the slack around the house while he's home.

I don't have any brilliant advice about how to motivate him but I remember reading that old Mars / Venus book a while back and thinking it actually made some pretty good points about how guys' minds work, and that the things we think are only logical just don't resonate with them. It answered a few things for me anyway and helped me get better results when I changed my approach. (Of course that is NOT to say you're in any way responsible but if you're like me, you reach those points where you're willing to try something different when nothing else seems to be getting through.)

Congrats again on the new baby, and for the rest.

Sara, you must be exhausted, and I'm sorry that Tony isn't coming through to do his share. to him. to you.

And congratulations on Chloe's arrival! She's precious!

After three hours of Overhaulin' yesterday, I was at my wits end. Today, after two hours of CSI, I told him the tv was driving me crazy and he needed to turn it off and do something (like apply for a job!). So he took a nap. It's noon and he's taken Ava to school and watched tv and napped. He just woke up and told me that I have a certain way of making him feel like sh!t. Sorry, but I think he should feel bad. I know that doesn't sound good, but it's how I feel.

Maybe I should read that book.

I'm sorry, I don't know the back story to your situation so I'm not sure how long he's been without a job, but my initial thought was...

Your DH may be depressed. It's possible that he feels very bad about the fact that he doesn't have a job and isn't able to provide for his family the way he's been used to and therefore he just feels miserable. So wanting to make him feel bad may not be the best solution, it might actually be counter-productive. Have you tried finding some time to sit down with him and really discuss your concerns? Maybe validating his feelings of worthlessness might make him feel better and find hope and just maybe he'll make some changes. I would definitely address the fact that he could be more helpful to you around the house and with the children, if he's not working/looking for work.

I know you are dealing with A LOT with being off work yourself and a new arrival, so I'm by no means blaming you for the whole situation, just trying to provide a different point of view.

Congratulations on baby Chloe (Love her name )

My DH is exactly like yours and my story very similar however I have just returned to work from maternity leave in January. I wish I had some advice on how to motivate him to apply for jobs. With my DH he will do nothing at all all day excpect play his computer and sleep. I have been getting online on my days off and finding jobs for him to apply for. I am sure he hates the days I am hope but I also really need him to pull his weight. I dont know your financial position but we are really struggling at the moment and even that doesnt seem to worry my DH.

I wish you good luck and hope that your situation improves soon.

Amanda

thanks you guys. He did apply for a job yesterday, so that's good. But he's in education, so most jobs don't start until August. I've been encouraging him to apply for substitute teaching jobs, but so far, he's not. Our financial situation is okay right now, but is about to get tough, esp w/ a second child in dc. I also look for jobs for him, and he hates it. That also makes him feel bad.

I should give him some credit for washing the dishes at night and giving Ava a bath.

And yes, we've been working through his depression for some time now. I don't ever deliberately try to make him feel bad. It's just very very hard on me, too. And it seems like it's always about him and how he's feeling. His mood completely determines how things go in our house.

As a person who has dealt with depression for many years, I understand that my "problem" can effect my whole family if I let it. Kudos to you for being understanding of his depression and recognizing that! It's definitely not easy on the spouse either! I hope things start to look up for you guys and just keep trying to encourage him. I know being a "cheerleader" wasn't in the vows but sometimes a little goes a long way! Good luck!